New Year

So far, 2012 has been pretty shit. I've felt so horribly ill with severe pregnancy symptoms (although not vomiting) and then we get to Saturday the 14th and the horrible news about having a molar pregnancy. And then going to hospital, starting a miscarriage, having the D&C operation, having tachycardia and a temperature after, staying in instead of going home. FINALLY getting home and all the things that have happened since then. This was a week ago.

Then there are the things I was expecting to happen in 2012. I was finally going to be a mummy, and have a little baby of my own to love and look after. At Christmas I hugged my secret to me and thought about having my baby to play with and entertain my family that time next year. Couldn't wait.
It didn't really matter that there was going to be huge upheaval at work, I wasn't going to be there for long and when I did come back, things would've settled down and hey, I was going to have a baby. That would be my main focus.

And tomorrow is Chinese New Year, and I think I'd like to start 2012 again. Well, not again, but necessarily with a completely different mindset. Lots of things aren't going to happen now, and lots of things are, which I will have to deal with properly.

What's on my mind today is that I will probably be going to hospital a lot and keeping my fingers tightly crossed that my levels of the pregnancy hormone drop through the floor. If they don't, I'll have to have chemotherapy. Which is really frightening, but I'll cross that bridge, if and when I come to it. I sincerely hope I fly down the motorway right past the chemotherapy bridge! But, if I have to do it, I'll have to do it. I've got to face it all and face it down.

It's the year of the dragon, which inspires me a lot. I'm glad it's not the year of the rooster which it was the year I was born!

I like dragons. I like them for lots of reasons. They breathe fire, they can spread their huge wings and fly away from danger and trouble. Or, they can fly towards it, knowing they have the tools to protect themselves and others. Strong women are often called dragons, for saying what they want, what they expect and for not being afraid to be their real, powerful selves.

It's not going to be an easy year, I have so much in front of me, but I'm going to do my best. And be a dragon.