Formalising a relationship

There's a post somewhere in me about why I do not want to get married. The thing about not wanting to get married, is that married people seem to feel that it's a criticism of their choice, and feathers become ruffled. Marriage is not for me, but I understand and respect that it is for other people. My choice to remain unmarried is in no way a criticism of another person's choice to get married, but a lot of people don't see it that way.

So this is not that post.

This is a post about what marriage means to other people, specifically within a family. I have been with my partner for five years, we have bought a house together and adopted two cats. We're reasonably serious about each other. But marriage it seems, is the thing that seals your relationship, and tells everyone else that you're *really* together.

Now, I do understand this, of course I do. Standing up in front of everyone you know and promising to stay together forever is a major big deal! That relationship is serious, that relationship is for keeps. Those two just living together, no one really knowing what it's all about, whether they'll still be together next week, or for the next ten years. You have to be wary of those cohabitees, don't you?

But married people? That's for keeps. You can build a relationship with married people. You know where you stand and you know what's what. They are in for the long haul. They've made their promises and they are going to stick to them. It's serious.

But surely, that's crap? We've all heard about the celebrities who've got married, and then had affairs. Or had affairs, got married and carried on having affairs. That happens in real life too, and I don't think that relationship breakdown discriminates between married and unmarried people, whatever the stats say. Divorce exists, after all. And I'm glad it does. But what that means, to me, is that all relationships have a sense of impermanance, that has nothing to do with whether people are married or not. I recently heard about a couple who'd been married for 12 months splitting up because one partner wanted to go to the pub, and the other was a recovering alcoholic and couldn't do that. For serious!

I can't imagine many of us, married or otherwise, throwing our relationship away on such a triviality, and of course there must've been deeper issues at the heart of the issue. But this is the point - marriage isn't a special glue that keeps people together "properly".

And so to the heart of the piece. Because if you're married, you become a husband and a wife and your relationship has a status that everyone understands. A wedding means that you are "properly" related to your spouse's family, not just some piece of ass he/she is deigning to hang around for as long as you look good.

Of course, I am speaking from my own, bitter experience. I feel it's a real shame that people choose to maintain these unnecessary divisions in family life. What, really, would change my relationship with my partner, and in the eyes of those around us should we spend 90 seconds saying some words, and then signing a piece of paper?

Apparently, plenty.